Scene 1
(Dan and Jan are sitting
in a kitchen type area)
Jan- So I said, "No way! that'll cost extra!"
Dan- Yeah... that's interesting, Jan. (Takes a bite out of his sandwich)
OH.......Well...thats it...
Jan- What?
Dan- This sandwhich... it's got no 'UMPH"
Jan- UMPH?
Dan- Yeah! It's just ham! No lettuce, no tomato, no mustard, no mayo... just ham!
Jan- Give it to the dog.
Dan- I don't have a dog.
(Nicholai enters)
Nicholai- DAN! I need to borrow twenty bucks!
Dan- Oh, that dog... Get a job!
Nicholai- I can't! You know I have ergophobia!
Jan- What's that?
Dan- Fear of work!
Nicholai- EXXXXactly!
Dan- Look, Nicholai, you owe me one hundred dollars already this week.
Nicholai- I paid you back!
Dan- With grass!
Nicholai- That stuf has street value! A Rostaforian told me!
Dan- That's not the kind of grass he's talking about!
Nicholai- FINE! I'll get a job! I think that burger joint Jack works at has an opening....
Jan- Yeah, you should know!
Nicholai- HEY!
Virginia (Dan's mom)- DAN! Get your ass in here!
Dan- Coming, Mom!
Jan- I gotta go. (leaves)
Dan- Ok!
-Cut To-
(Living room)
Dan- Yeah, Mom?
Virginia- It's Sunday, lets go to church!
Dan- No, mom...remember, I'm Atheist?
Virginia- What?! You don't believe in the superior race?!
Dan- WHAT?!
Virginia- Why did you renounce Catholicism?
Dan- Well, it all started when I was watching public access... There was this fat guy
reading the bible in front of a slightly tilted camcorder, and that lost it for me
completely.
Virgina- ...and?
Dan- I'm Staying Home!!
Virginia- Fine, your brother and father are waiting for me in the car. (She leaves)
(Dan stares angrily
at the camera)
-Theme Song-
Scene 2
(ONE HOUR LATER)
(Dan is now sleeping on
the couch)
Nicholai- Was it me, or did that alter boy seem a little distraught?
Virginia- (angrily) IT WAS YOU!
Nicholai- Jeez mom... lighten up!
Joe- Yeah, Honey, he's right. Mayb- (Shell Shocked) GET DOWN! GET DOWN!
AMBUSH! AMBUSH! MOVE BACK MOVE BACK!
Dan- Dad's Vietnam shell shock... (chuckles) never gets old! Nicholai... weren't
you supposed to get a job?
Nicholai- Why was that again?
Dan- So, you could pay me back!
Nicholai- I got it covered... Mom.... can I borrow a hundred dollars?
Virginia- No! Get a job, ya damn hippie!
Nicholai- ok! I'm going to get a job! BYE! (leaves)
Joe- I remember my first job. I was seventeen, and the summer of love
was upon us: (Shell Shock) IS THAT A TEAR IN YOUR EYE!?
Virginia- Calm down Joe! The neighbors will think some Lybian Nationalists are
torturing us!
Dan- MOM!
Virginia- What, communist?
Dan- No, Atheist!
Virginia- Dan, keep your hammer and sickle ways to yourself! Please!
Dan- God!
Virginia- Don't use the Lord's name in vain!
Dan- He's not my Lord!
Scene 3
(Nicholai is walking
and sees Jack)
Nicholai- Jack! Can you get me a job at this fine eating establishment?
Jack- I dunno, Nichoali. You're probably gonna have to talk to the manager.
Nicholai- The Manager?
Jack- You know... the guy that manages the store... keeps everything in order.
Nicholai- Where would I find this.... 'manager?'
Jack- In there! (points to burger joint)
Nicholai- Right! Be right back! (goes in store)
-Cut To-
(we see Nicholai's face
being yelled at by the
manager<camera>)
Manager- (V.O) YOU WANT JOB? YOU CAN'T HAVE JOB! YOU TOO UGLY!
YOU SCARE AWAY CUSTOMER!!
-Cut To-
(Nicholai comes out
of the store)
Jack- How'd it go?
Nicholai- Like Hell!
Jack- So, you didn't get the job?
Nicholai- Nah. Crazy burger joint owning Chinaman!
Scene 4
(Back at the Mitz
Household)
(Dan is sitting on the couch
and Nicholai angrily enters)
Dan- SO, did you get the job?
Nicholai- No! The manager's Chinese! I couldn't understand him. His L's sounded
Like R's!
Virginia- Yeah! Damn Chinese! Always trying to shove all their technology down
our throats!
Dan- Thats Japan, Mom!
Virginia- Same thing! C'mon, dinner time. JOE! Dinner!
Joe- (Running down the stairs) HOO YAAAA! (He shoots his fake plastic gun)
(sniffs) OooOOoo! Beans!
(door bell)
(Nicholai goes to
answer it)
(He opens it, and it's Jan.
He then slams the door
in her face)
Dan- Who was it?
Nicholai- (Dryly) Jahova's Witness.
Scene 5
(The Family is eating dinner)
(Dan is Engulfing his food)
Virginia- Dan! slow down... we are not hobos
Dan- (Just a look of disgust at Virginia). Nicholai, I set up an interview for you
tomorrow.
Nicholai- No! Dan! I am not good with interviews. Remember what happened last
time!
(FLASHBACK)
Interviewer-So, what are your credentials
(Nicholai is staring at him,
and then falls over)
-flashback ends-
Dan- yeah, good point.
(Knock at the door)
(it`s Jan again.)
(Dan answers it )
Dan- Jan....why`d you come through the back?
Jan- Because "the dog" slammed the door in my face.
Dan- Jahova witness my ass, Nicholai
Nicholai- Hey, don`t shoot the messenger!
Dan- (to Jan) so, whats up
Jan- there`s something i have to show you!
Dan- Does it involve monkeys and whipped cream!
Jan- ...........NO.........
Dan- Not interested. (goes towards table) Hey, are there any beans left?
Joe- Keep quiet! Keep quiet!..... ya hear that? It's the charlies! (pulls out fake
machine gun) DIE CHARLIE SCUM! (Shoots frantically) Lookout! (He falls
behind a chair)
Dan- I really can't take this anymore!
Jan- Then come with me!
Dan- But... I like whipped cream.
Jan- We'll get some on the way... come on!
(Jan pulls Dan out the door)
(Joe gets up, with a bowl
on his head)
Joe- Is it safe?
Scene 6
(TIME LAPSE)
(Dan and Jan walk into the
Mitzelman household.)
(Dan has a can of
whipped cream)
Jan- Wasn't that awesome!?
Dan- It was a dead body!
Jan- Yeah! AWESOME!
Dan- (seeing Nicholai on the couch eating potato chips) NICHOLAI! Get your
Jesus-Loving ass of that couch and FIND A JOB!
Nicholai-(With chips in his mouth) [inaudible]
Dan- And those chips are for the company!
Nicholai- [inaudible]
Dan- Nicholai... chew... chew....swallow... gooood!
Virginia- (Storms in) The Jew never showed up! Dan, do my taxes!
Dan- I don't know how to do taxes.
Virginia- You'll Learn! Now go!
Dan- Fine, c'mon Jan.
Virginia- No no! The giant stays here!
Jan- Hey! I'm not a giant! in fact, i'm 11 inches shorter than the required height!
Virginia- then... stretch?
Jan- No.
Virginia- Bigfoot?
Jan- NO!!
Virginia- Then I don't know!
Joe- (running in) THIRD BASE!
Dan- DAD! This isn't Vietnam... or an old Abbot and Costello routine... Now, I'm
not gonna do your taxes, mom, and Nicholai....
Nicholai- yes?
Dan- GET A JOB! I'm not gonna say it again!
Nicholai- Then don't
Dan- I wasn't going to!
Nicholai- ok....... then don't.
Dan- JESUS CHRIST! This house is driving me insane! That's it... I'm moving out!
Joe- Just like Billy Joel.
Dan- No! Not like Billy Joel! Jan, newspaper! (Jan hands Dan the newspaper)
Thank you. (They go to exit) Oh, Nicholai....(throws a part of the paper at him)
here.
Nicholai- Whats this?
Dan- Job Search.
(They Exit)
Scene 7
(Dan and Jan are sitting
somewhere, and Dan is
reading the newspaper.)
Jan- Did you hear that Kate is talking smack about me behind my back?
Dan- (Focused on newspaper) That Bitch
Jan- Yeah, shes saying that I'm, like, a drama queen!
Dan- That Bitch
Jan- And lots of other things that are totally untrue!
Dan- That Bitch (shows her newspaper) how about this one?
Jan- what?
Dan- The apartment.
Jan- It's nice... but kinda pricey.
Dan- Yeah... damn property taxes!.... I've got an idea!
Scene 8
(The school auditorium)
Dan- HA! Here it is! The new Mitz Palace!
Jan- It's the school auditorium!
Dan- Yeah! Look at all this room!
Jan- You can't live in the school auditorium!
Dan- Watch me! (He goes to sit in a chair)
-Cut To-
(Outside of school)
-day-
(Gradually turns into)
-night-
-Cut Back-
(Dan still sitting
in the chair)
Dan- See?
Jan- Fine, can I go now?
Dan-(Smoothly) Well, it's.. gettin' late... why don't you... stay here?
Jan- Not on your life! (leaves)
Dan- Hey, can't blame me for trying! (looks around) This place needs some style.
I wonder if those Queer Eye guys are available... (Thinks about it) ... Nah...
nevermind, stud like me... don't wanna get bumrushed!
Jan-(O.S) In your dreams, small white and ugly!
Dan- Maybe... Maybe...
Scene 9
(The Next Day at
the Mitzelman household)
(Joe is sitting on the
couch. Nicholai walks
by and knicks him)
Nicholai- Oh, sorry.
Joe-(Standing up) NO WAY MAN! NO WAY! You shoulod be happy you got legs!
Little Willy? HE DIDNT MAKE IT, MAN! (Sits back down and reads the paper)
Nicholai- ...ok. Where's Dan?
Joe- (Still reading the paper) He moved out.
Nicholai- riiight.... where'd he go?
Joe-(ShellShock) He's on a secret mission, infiltrating Charlie Headquarters.
(Gets in Nicholai's face) DON'T BLOW OUR COVER AGAIN JACKSON OR
IT'LL BE YOUR LIFE!
Nicholai- Breathmint?
Joe- Back in 'Nam, we didn't have the luxury of breathmints!
Virginia- (calls from kitchen) BREAKFAST!
Joe- OOoooo! Breakfast! (Gets out of nichoali's face and heads for the kitchen)
Nicholai- ... My name's not Jackson.
Scene 10
(At the breakfast table)
(Joe is siting, Nicholai goes to
sit opposite of him with a pack
of English Muffin's in his hand)
(He opens the muffins
and starts eating them)
Joe- Nicholai, give me the english muffins.
Nicholai- what? why?
Joe- Nicholai, give me the english muffins or else you're grounded.
Nicholai- (You gotta be kidding!) WHAT!?
Joe- You heard me! Give me the english muffins or else you're grounded!
Nicholai- But... I'm eating them...
Joe- Don't ride my ass Nicholai! I was out there, defending my country, with my
comrades dying left and right!
Nicholai- Aren't comrades Russian?
(Joe gives Nicholai a 'look')
(Virginia goes to the door
with a pie in her hand)
Joe- Where are you going with that?
Virginia- I'm going to see Dan. He's probably living like a refugee over there!
Joe- Alright, bye!
Virginia- See ya later! (She leaves)
Nicholai- Wow... Mom's a racist bitch!
Joe- Yiiiiiuuup.
Scene 11
(Dan is relaxing in his
auditorium as his mother
enters through a door)
Virginia- DAAAaaan!
Dan- MOM! What are you doing here!?
Virginia- Oh, I thought you were hungry, so... I made you a pie!
Dan- you made me a pie?
Virginia- Made it, bought it from circle-k, what's the difference!? (hands him the pie)
Here.
Dan- I don't want it. (gives it back)
Virginia- Take it! (Gives dan the pie)
Dan- I DON'T WANT IT!
(They struggle over the
pie, eventually, the pie
is dropped on Dan's shirt.)
Dan- MOM! This is an expensive shirt!
Virginia- Oh, Dan, stop being such a Jew!
Dan- MOM!
Virginia- What?
Dan- i'm Atheist
Virginia- Right, Facist.
Dan- ATHEIST!
Virginia- Australian?
Dan- (screaming) GET OUT OF MY AUDITORIUM! (pushes her out) there.
(knock on the door)
Dan- What now!? (answers it, and it's Jack.) Jack?!
Jack- Hey, Danny-boy!
Dan-(confused) whhaa..
Jack- Yeah, Nicholai told me you moved into the old auditorium.
Dan- Yeah, why would you care?
Jack- Well, I care about ya Danny-boy. And I want you... to live with me!
Dan- Wait... we're not... gonna... sleep in the same-
Jack- NO! I got a guestroom!
Dan- Oh, alright, I'll take your word for it.
Jack- Good choice! Lets go!
Scene 12
(EXT. Jack's house)
(Jack and Dan are
walking to the door)
Jack- Welcome to my humble abode!
Dan- Yeah... humble!
(they walk in)
(Dan takes some time to
stretch in the corridor)
Jack- Quick! In here!
Dan- Uh, ok.
(they walk into
a guestroom)
Dan- Hey, this is pretty nice.
Jack- yeah, wish it were mine.
Dan- What?
Jack- Nothing! so, yeah... make your self at home...
(Someone comes in)
Carl- who are you?
Jack- Uh...
Carl- What the Hell are you doing in my house? Get out!
Jack- Run, Dan!
Carl- NOW!
(Through all of this, Dan
is looking confused)
(They run out)
-Cut To-
(Outside the house)
Dan- What the Hell was that!?
Jack-... wrong house?
Dan- Ya know he could call the cops on us!
Jack- your problem! (He disappears into thin air)
Dan- I always knew there was something wrong with that guy! (walks away)
Scene 13
(The Mitzelman household)
(Joe walks past the
camera, using his hand
as a walkie-talkie.)
Joe- Unit one Unit One! Move in, move in!
(Nicholai comes in
behind him)
(Virginia comes in
another way)
Virginia- Nicholai! Stop being such a Lazy Mexican and get a job!
Nicholai- E_R_G_O PHOBIA
Virginia- L_A_Z_Y MEXICAN!
(Dan comes in
the door)
Dan- Don't get too excited, I'm just here to pick up a few things. and Nicholai,
did you ever find a job?
Nicholai- I'll say it again! E_R_G_O PHOBIA
Dan- Well how about a desk job?
Nicholai-...uh.... DESK-o-phobia..
Dan&Nicholai- Fear of desks!
Dan- yeah.
Nicholai- And why do you keep calling me Nicholai? My name's Biff!
Dan- No, it's not.
Nicholai- With two f's!
Joe- (Walking in with a newspaper) No it's not.
Nicholai- Well, can I change it?
Joe- Not till your eighteen.
Nicholai- I am Eighteen.
Dan- NO YOU'RE NOT! Look, this is the reason I moved out! You people are insane!
Virginia- That's why we're America's dysfunctional family!
Dan- What?
Virginia- Well, we're definitely not Canada's!
Dan- (sighs) God!
Scene 14
(back in the auditorium)
Dan- (enters) Ah! Back home! But I have a feeling there will be more craziness...
each and every week! If we don't get cancelled. (looks around)
(shuts the lights)
THE END
